Bad Fics
by XxLemurxX
Summary: What happens when people stop being real, and start being locked up in a room and forced to read really bad fan fiction? Bad things, that's what. Very bad things. Final Chapter Up!
1. The Bad Beginning

A/N: This is just something I decided to do to kill the time while we wait patiently wait for book six. I'm trying to be humorous, be sure to tell me how much I failed!

The wait was beginning to be unbearable, and looking as if it might never end. Harry sat on the edge of the smallest bed, in the smallest room of number 6 Pivet Drive. To him it seemed as if book five had been years ago, in fact, it had been. Almost three years since Sirius had died, since he himself had learned about the prophecy that claimed his future. It seemed as if he had been sitting there for the three years since then, waiting for the sixth book to start, which is true. But that's not the point of this story, that has absolutely nothing to do with this story, which starts right about here:

As if by magic (which in this case, was probably the case) Harry suddenly disappeared off of the smallest bed, in the smallest room of number 6 Pivet Drive, and found himself in an empty room. From the looks of things, this had to be the most boring room known to man, with it's white walls, and white floors, and if luck would have it, white table with it's white chairs sitting directly in the middle. Harry sat there for what seemed like ages, and just when he realized, that he really needed to use the restroom, a cold, cold mirthless voice rose from above. As he turned his face upwards, it spoke to him.

"Potter, my plan has finally been put into action, you are all mine for the taking now!", said the voice, as Harry began to reply:

"Tom? Is that you? What the bloody hell, am I doing here? Don't you realize that book six hasn't started yet?"

"Oh, I realize this Potter, and the agony of waiting has finally gotten to me, so this is what I force upon you while I am forced to bid my time until I can finally kill you. That's right the worst punishment known to mankind–" Voldermort said as he was rudely interrupted by Harry, "No! You don't mean, you can't mean...bad–" Harry cried, as he too was interrupted "Yes, that's right Potter. Bad Fanfiction!"

He shouted, following it with a cold, cold laugh. Around this time is when Harry burst into tears, but that too is not very important to this story, so I'll just be moving on.

"Yes, there, there Potter, it is indeed very sad, but seeing as how I have nothing better to do with my evilness until book six comes out, you're just going to have to deal with it." Voldermort said quietly, as Harry wept in the corner so Voldermort continued: "But, have no fear, even I am not evil enough to make you go through this all by yourself, I'll bring that poor boy, and that filthy little mudblood in here to keep you company, so they can suffer with you. And yet again, as if by magic (must I really repeat myself?) Hermione, and Ron suddenly appeared. Ron being stark naked, and Hermione holding a half eaten corn dog in her hand.

"Holy Bloody Hell!" Ron exclaimed, as he desperately tried to cover the areas that would make this story get an X rating, as Hermione proceeded to blush something dreadful and drop her corn-dog, and Harry proceeded to grab said corn dog and attempt to claw his eyes out with it.

"I think what Ron is trying to say is that he looks really hot all naked like that-----I mean...where are we?" Hermione stammered as her entire body turned red, well at least as much of we could see of it, like I said people we're trying to keep this rated G. (G FOR GREATTTTT!)

Harry finally came to his senses, and stopped trying to kill himself after seeing Ron naked. "GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! IT'S VOLDERMORT AND HE'S GOING TO TORTURE US!" Harry shouted with a terrifying tremble.

"You can't mean the crutacius curse can you?" Hermione said frightened out of her wits.

"No! Worse, much, much worse. Quite possibly the worst punishment known to man kind!" Harry exclaimed as Ron crouched into the fetal position on the floor so that only his backside was visible (the author thinks it kind of looked almost artistic).

That's right about the time Ron forgot that he was one hundred percent completely naked, and jumped onto his feet and shouted "You can't mean, bad fanfiction!", he yelled in sheer terror.

"That's right! Bad Fanfiction! Only the worst of the worst people! If I have to wait in pure agony for book six to come out, you're all going to be in agony with me!" Voldermort said in a cold, cold, freezing, really cold, chilly, snowy, icy, really, really cold mirthless voice.

"I've read about that stuff in "Hogwarts: A History", it sounds absolutely dreadful." Hermione said trying to keep her eyes away from Ron's naked body.

"That's right! And it's starting right about..." Voldermort trailed off, and didn't say anything for several minutes, as random clanging, and bumping around could be heard overhead.

And then finally, "NOW!" Shouted Voldermort, as from out of nowhere, as if by magic (And haven't we been through this before? I do believe so) a computer appeared out of no where, and while we're at it, it was a fairly crappy computer, it looks like it would freeze at the slightest touch of the mouse, but yet again this is hardly important to our story, besides at least it could have been worse, it could have been a Mac, but you know whatever. Suddenly the trio including naked Ron, were forced into their seats directly across from the not really so good, I've seen a lot better, computer, as the voice shouted: "NOW, READ!"

"I guess, I'll read seeing as how Ron's naked, and you Harry have that scar and all." Hermione said plainly.

"Uhh, since when does my scar impair my reading ability?" Harry questioned wildly.

"Since the author would rather that I read, Harry. Anyways, if I have to do this, read I shall." Hermione said as she looked at the computer screen, and started to read:

"HARRIE AND THE PINCK DRACKON!

BY: MYNAMEISLESLIEWILLYOUMARRYMEHARRIE?"

"Please tell me that they did not just misspell three words in one sentence. Seriously tell me, because if you don't I may go into cardiac arrest." Hermione said weakly.

"Blimey, this really is bad fanfiction, I had no idea anyone would bother to write this, but if we must continue...let's finish it, so we can leave, and I can put some clothes on." Ron said as he adjusted his naked self, as Harry started to cry again.

"One daey, Harrie wuz walking like on the street, and he seen a pink drackon! It was so pinck, and prettie! Harrie decided to take the drackon home to keep as a pet. Harrie loved his pinck and prettie drackon! He gave it bathes, and fed it, and flied on it! His pinck and prettie drackon was the prettiest pinck and prettie dragckon ever! And then like one day Harrie met a girl, she was the prettiest most beautifulest girl ever!1, her name was like Leslie, and she was even prettttier then Harries pinck and prettie dracgkon! Harrie and Leslie like married, and it was the prettiest and pinckest wedding ever! And Harrie and Leslie, and Harries pinck and prettie drackon, lived happily ever after!1

THE END!"

"Oh my God." Hermione said clutching her chest, and catching her breath.

This is right around the time when Ron started screaming bloody murder.

"God, Ron, it was bad, but it wasn't that bad. I mean, I was the star of this horrible piece of fanfiction, and even I'm not screaming because of it" Harry said.

"I'm not screaming because of the fanfiction! I'm screaming because I just realized that Hermione has seen me naked!" Ron shrieked.

Hermione blushed profusely as she faced her head upwards and said, "We read it are you happy now? Can we please leave?" she begged.

"Are you serious? Voldermort giggled. Yes, that's right he actually giggled, but trust me it was a very, very cold giggle. "No Way! You still have to sit through uh about...A LOT more bad fics! I'm not through with you all yet."

"God, help us." Hermione muttered as she slammed her head down onto the computer's keyboard.


	2. Love From Voldie

A/N: Hey y'all! Thanks for the reviews of the first chapter, those were quite awesome. Anyways, I got bored again so here is chapter two.

It had been two hours, two long, really long, insufferable, miserable, really boring, good god there was nothing to do, hours. What with Ron still being completely naked, and Harry bursting into tears every few minutes, and Hermione quoting "Hogwarts: A History" every possible second. Things were just starting to get bad.

"Bloody hell! If I don't get a bathroom right around now, I'm going to Avada Kedavra something! I swear it!" Harry screamed as he whipped out his wand wildly, pointing it at the computer.

"Hey! Watch where you're pointing that thing!" Ron said nervously, as he attempted to make himself a kilt out of a few spare pieces of paper that were left in the computer's printer.

"I could say the same thing to you, Ron." Harry said as he looked down at Ron's naked self, as Ron blushed from his head to his...uhh...the rest of him.

"Both of you stop it! I'm trying to remember what "Hogwarts: A History" had to say about getting out of a white room with white walls, and white floors, that has a computer that isn't very good from which you are being forced to read really, really bad fanfiction, when your best friend is naked, and isn't this the longest run on sentence ever? Well isn't it? And I'm having a really hard time concentrating with all of this noise!" Hermione balked shrilly, and Harry began beating his head up against the nearest wall.

"Good God! I'm dying for a pee!" Harry EJACULATED loudly, just like Ron did in book five, much to the amusement of this author. Trust me on this one.

"Where is Voldermort anyways? I figured he'd be back to torture us by now." Ron said as he dropped the piece of paper he was currently using as a shield between his naked self...and the world.

In response Hermione looked to the ceiling and red the message that was flashing in neon green: "OUT FOR SUSHI WITH MY HOMMIES, TTYL!", said the green script, as she noticed that he dotted his eyes with little green hearts, and that there was a dark mark right next to it, with a smiley face. It seemed Voldermort was quite a bit more homo than she had remembered, but whatever.

"GOD, I HATE BEING NAKED!" Ron said fustratedly (Hey, that's not even a word!), as his paper kilt ripped in half.

"God Ron! Don't you know you can't apparate inside the Hogwarts Grounds? God, am I the only person who has read "Hogwarts: A History"?" Hermione exclaimed for absolutely no reason at all, as Ron and Harry looked at her bewildered.

"That's it Hermione you're no longer making any sense therefore you are of no use to me right now, if he doesn't give us anything to eat soon, you're the main course." Harry said hungrily, as his bladder gave an almighty lurch, and he moaned in longing for a toilet. Even moaning myrtle's toilet, he wasn't being picky right now. Even if he had to have a ghost stare at him as he did his business, it would be soo worth ir right now.

And then out of nowhere, as if by magic (My god, aren't you tired of me saying that yet?), the message from above disappeared, and a surprisingly warm, very hot, smoldering, sweaty voice replaced it. "Did you all miss me? Sushi was fabulous, thanks for asking. I always wonder how they get all that rice into perfect little rectangles under the fish! I'm evil, and even I can't do that! I can't even use chopsticks!" Voldermort said girlishly all in one breath.

"No one cares!" Harry said loudly, as he tried to decide which wall would be the best to pee on. The one on the right closest to Hermione was looking quite decent right about...now.

"Voldermort, I am soo telling Dumbledore on you as soon as we get out of here, and he's going to give you detention until the end of time!" Hermione said with a glint in her eye. This author personally thinks that whatever Hermione must be smoking, must be something really strong.

"Oh! That reminds me! I have a special treat for the three of you! That's right! A Voldie original. I wrote this one, all by myself. I'm quite the author in my spare time you know. This one is dedicated to my one true love." Voldermort said as a brand new fanfiction took the old one's place on the computer that wasn't very good, but hey, at least it wasn't a Mac.

"Now, you must read children!" Vold(ie)ermort, said with yet another very cold giggle.

"My One True Love"

By: VoldieLovezRon!

Read Hermione. "What?" Hermione exclaimed loudly as she realized what she had just finished reading, as she looked at Ron, who now appeared to be having a very rough seizure.

"Yes! You read right! I, Tom Marvalro Voldermort am in love with Ron Weasley–Blood traitor." Sighed a very lovesick Voldermort.

Harry was the first to recover. "If you're in love with him, then why did you try to kill him in the fifth book?" Questioned Harry, as Ron began head butting the sharp corner of the table, repeatedly.

"Yeah! That's right! And you tried to kill his sister in book two! Remember?" Hermione said finally regaining the use of her vocal cords.

"Yes, well I always have acted a bit stupidly when I'm in love. I even tried to kill Harry when was just a baby, just so I can get closer to Ron." Voldermort confessed.

"WHAT? I thought you tried to kill me because of a prophecy made at my birth?" Harry asked wildy.

"Well, it was that and also the fact that Ron looks really hot naked. Kind of like right now. Oooh." Voldermort said, as Ron began slapping himself in the face.

"Anyways, enough of Voldermort: Behind the Music, it's time to get back to some of my story!" Voldermort said shrilly.

Hermione continued, very faintly mind you:

"He was new at Hogwarts, the newest boy there. He had bright red eyes, and scaly hands. All the girls whispered about how "hot" he was. He knew he was good looking, but none of the girls at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry struck his fancy. Voldie didn't think he would ever find true love until one day, he saw him. Ronald Weasley, standing six feet tall and with flaming red pheonix hair. He was beautiful. Voldie just knew he had to have him. One day in Transfiguration class, Voldie took a good look at Ron, screwed up his courage (what the hell does that mean by the way?), and bravely stood on his chair, and proceeded to profess his undying love for one Ronald Weasley. "Ron! I'm not worthy of your love! Take me! TAKE ME NOW!" Voldie yelled as he jumped from his chair and landed on Ron's lap. Ron looked deeply into Voldie's scarlet eyes, and they're mouths instantly became closer like magnets. They were almost touching now, and Voldie couldn't wait to have Ron's lips upon his ow----" Hermione trailed off.

" SYSTEM ERROR! YOU HAVE PERFORMED AN INVALID FUNCTION. THIS IS FAR TO NASTY FOR THE COMPUTER TO...COMPUTE" The computer began to scream as the blue screen of death came upon them.

This is right around the time Ron began tossing his head back and forth from side to side wildy muttering incoherently, as tears began to stream down his face.

"Does anyone remember the curse for Ctrl-Alt-Delete?" Questioned Voldermort, as this chapter came to a close.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

WILL HARRY GET TO USE THE BATHROOM?

WILL HERMIONE STOP QUOTING HOGWARTS: A HISTORY?

WILL RON AND VOLDIE'S LOVE SURVIVE THROUGH THE END OF THIS HORRIBLE PIECE OF FANFICTION?

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THAT WOMAN WHO FAKED FINDING A FINGER IN HER CHILI AT WENDYS?

You shall find out in the next installment.


	3. Insanity, Heartattacks, and Wild Passion...

A/N Good lord am I churning these things out fast or what? Seriously, y'all better appreicate and hit me up with some reviews yo.

If things had seemed bad before, they were absolutely nothing compared to what they were like right now. Things had been perfectly innocent, well as innocent as three teenage wizards trapped in a room with an evil gay man forcing them to read the worst of the worst fanfiction known to man on a really bad computer, can possibly be. And that's when things started to get much, much worse. This is around the time when one Ronald Weasley, as naked as they come, started singing show tunes. It was also around the same time that one Hermione Granger sank into a deep depression since her one true love the adformentioned naked man, was being scouted out by said evil gay man. Oh, and Harry still had to pee, really, really badly. Oh yes, things were just starting to get really, really bad now.

"DAMN COMPUTER! WHY WON'T YOU WORK?" Voldermort shouted gayily (so totally not a word.). This is right around the time he started throwing a fit, and screeching loudly from up above. The results were giving Harry such a migrane, that it was actually sending vibrations to his already very, very weak bladder.

"NOOOO! RON IS SUPOSSED TO LOVE ME! NOT YOU, MEEEEEE!" Hermione shouted out of nowhere, she appeared to be talking to the wall, but with Hermione chances are she was actually talking to her beloved imaginary friend: a copy of "Hogwarts: A History"

"LOOK AT ME I'M SANDRA DEEE, LOUSY WITH VIRGINITY!" Ron sang six keys higher than what was originally intended for the major motion picture and Broadway musical "Grease" starring John Travolta, and don't you think he's just dreamy? No? Me either Anyways, he was singing really badly, as he jumped atop of the table and pole danced on an imaginary pole, which was pretty much pointless seeing as how, he was already naked. But whatever, who's counting? Not me, that's for sure.

"Oh my god! I'm the only sane one left! And I still have to pee! Damn you bladder! DAMN YOU!" Harry said as he dropped to his knees and began shaking involuntarily.

And this pretty much went on for the next few hours, only you can replace the abformentioned words: "LOOK AT ME I'M SANDRA DEEE, LOUSY WITH VIRGINITY!", with any line from _your_ favorite musical, trust me he sang them all. And if John Travolta doesn't happen to be in _your_ favorite musical, well then screw you, he should be. (Just kidding with the screw you part, you know I love you all, now let's get down to the dirty stuff). So basically, everyone was going insane, well you know more so than before at least. But thankfully things hadn't yet hit rock bottom, that was to come right after this sentence, so maybe I'll just let it run on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on to divert your attention from the fact that I have absolutely no idea what is coming up next. Oh, next sentence now, I guess I better get to my point.

"Aha! I have it. I truly am an evil genius with a fashion sense! (That means he's gay!) If I can't get this computer to work, I guess I'll just have to do the unthinkable, and make this situation much, much worse just like the author promised I would. If we can't use this computer we'll just have to use...A MAC!" Voldermort said shrilly.

"No! Not a Mac! It doesn't even have Windows! Anything but that! I'll do anything! Well, maybe not anything. I mean no offense, but I wouldn't really be into open mouth kissing you or anything. But almost anything besides physical contact!" Harry balked.

As you can probably imagine with just the words "open mouth kissing" Ron and Hermione alike, both starting having fits again, frankly they aren't really interesting to go into, but let's just say Hermione started ripping out her own hair, and Ron started screaming "CALL ME ALANIS! MY NAME IS ALANIS!" Yeah, anyways back to the story.

"Yes, a Mac. That sounds delicious. I think I'll just run off to the nearest Apple Store and buy one...well maybe, I'll just Avada Kedavra anyone who gets in my way, and then just steal one. Yes, I think that's what I'll do. But anywho, while I'm gone I think I'll bring someone else in here to keep the three of you company while I'm gone. Ahh! Yes, I know, that filthy little red head I almost killed as my teenage self Tom Riddle, just so I could get closer to my one true love Ronald Weasley. I'll bring her in for a while, she'll absolutely hate it!" Vold(ie)ermont said with an evil cackle which now when I think of it was pretty chilly, and as if by magic (OH MY EFFING GOD), two things happened, first of all the worst possible elevator music, the kind that they play when the cable company puts you on hold, trust me I know about this one, began playing from the ceiling. Secondly a small redhead plopped from out of nowhere onto the table with a loud "THUDDY THUDDY THUD THUD!" Well you know, that's probably a bit exaggerated.

"What the bloody hell?" Ginny Weasley wondered out loud, as she looked around her. Her naked brother was standing in a corner singing loudly "TOMORROW, TOMORROW I'LL LOVE YA! TOMMOORROW!". Her good friend, sensible, reasonable, Hermione was bawling on the floor saying "He's supposed to loooove me, not Voldie!" Harry was just kind of sitting in the corner holding his groin, for some unexplainable reason. And that's when it finally dawned on her, that her brother was indeed naked.

"Ron! What the Merlin do you think you're doing? Why are you naked?" And where the bloody hell am I?" Ginny began to shout.

"Well you see Ginny, Ron isn't really in any condition to answer any of those questions for you seeing as how he just found out that the evil dark lord is actually a gay man, and has a huge crush on him. But anyways, he's naked because that's the way he was when he got put here. And where are you? Well, I wish I could answer that one for you, but basically we've been here for the past day, being forced to read bad fanfiction by the gay lord himself." Harry finished with a sigh, hoping for a mere second that he was lying, and that the two of them were actually making wild passionate lo----brownies in the Weasley's kitchen.

"Oh, well...uhh. Just wow. Wait, a minute. Why didn't you just give Ron your pants? I mean, you're still wearing boxers under there aren't you? That way Ron would only be shirtless, and you would still be wearing something covering yourself too." Ginny explained, not wanting to believe that they couldn't come up with this solution on their own.

"Well, that would work, but Ron hasn't any underwear, and I don't want his...stuff touching where...my stuff has been. Our...uhh..stuff just shouldn't mix." Harry said stupidly as he blushed all the way down to his...uhh stuff.

"Maybe you're not the only sane one here after all." Ginny said with a smirk, when suddenly the elevator music came to a halt, and Vold(ie)ermort's voice was heard again.

"Have no fear my Sweeties! I'm back, and with a brand new Mac, that I promise that I did not steal!...Tee Hee Hee!" Vold(ie)ermort yelled down from above. "Anyways, when the last computer crashed it didn't save my ode of everlasting love and lust for my boy toy Ron! So, instead you'll all have to read one of my personal favorites from the "_Oh My God, our good friend Hermione the former bookworm has just gotten some breasts! Look at how hot she is now! I think I'm in love!" _category. Hope you all enjoy!" Vold(ie)ermort said as an I-Mac fell from the sky, and sadly did not blow up into a million pieces but fell safely down to the table.

"I guess I'll read since the author can't make Hermione read seeing as how she's still in a deep depression because her former boy toy is now claimed by the gay lord.", said Ginny intelligently, just like the author intended for her to.

"What the hell? This isn't even windows! How can I be forced to read in these conditions? Seriously how can I?" Ginny said huffily, as she continued to read in spite of herself, because the author would do anything to keep Harry or Ron from reading...I mean Harry has that scar, how could he read? Seriously..how could he?

"My Former Friend Is Now Hot And Now I Think I'm In Love With Her: The Journals Of An Extremely Horny Wizard"

By: ExtremelyHornyWizard

My friend Hermione has always been there for me, through thick, and thin, and through some more thick. My friend Hermione really likes books. My friend Hermione likes books more than anything in the entire world. My friend Hermione had really bushy hair, and really bad eyebrows that could really use a trim, but no she's too good to get them waxed like a normal sixteen year old girl. My friend Hermione was just----"

Maybe it was her depression, or the fact that the author decided to open every single sentence with the words "My Friend Hermione", who knows. All I know is that this is right around the time Hermione actually did what she had threatened to do all along, and actually went into cardiac arrest. Suddenly, and unexplainably at that, this is right around the time Ginny and Harry whipped out two video game controllers and started playing "_Cardiac Arrest Victim: 3-D_!" (Now available on a Xbox near you.)

"Oh no! She's going into cardiac arrest! We must save her!" Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, SELECT, START!" Harry yelled frantically, and as the last two buttons were pushed a random chime could be heard from above, and Hermione sat right up and said "All Better!", she then proceeded to fall asleep.

Things couldn't possibly get any weirder. Could they? COULD THEY?

SHOUT OUTS:

The-Very-Little-Turtle-haha, thank you for the reviews. And please don't sue me, I promise all I have is my wit (haha as if), and like twenty dollars.

L. Spencer1153- I have to admit I threw the stuff about the Mac in this chapter just for you.

Eevee and Crawdie: Thanks! This is the second one of my stories y'all have reviewed for me, thanks a million. Hope y'all like the new story!


	4. A Night In Paris

A/N: Okay, this isn't really my favorite chapter at all, and isn't really very funny in my opinion but I was kind of in a hurry and wanted to get a chapter out to y'all. Anyways, much love and props to EeveeKitty85 for submitting a bad fanfic for me to use in this story. She is the author of the beautiful Pokemon crossover fic in here. Make sure to drop her a line in the comments to tell her how "good" it was. Please remember to read and review or elese I'll go blind or something.

Things could have gotten worse, and they just did because so far I have started every single chapter of this story by saying that. I'm kind of going for the whole "It's Harry's birthday on the first page of every single effing Harry Potter book ever written", thing. If you know what I mean, and if you don't can you really call yourself a fan, and still be able to sleep peacefully at night? Well? Can you? I didn't think so. Yeah, so anyways back to this really, really important story. Things were really coming to a head now, see what I did there? I made a funny! You should have laughed! Actually, I didn't really do anything, I just wanted to make sure you're all still paying attention. RON DANCING NAKED IN A TEA COZY WHICH BASICALLY MEANS HE'S NOT NAKED AT ALL. If that didn't get your attention, then you must be dead inside. Normally I would start this chapter with a little dialogue to let you know what our favorite characters have been up to for the last few hours, but instead I'm going straight into the dirty.

"Listen up bitches! Tee Hee Hee! Sorry to use such lewd language, but I just got a brand new Louis Vuitton handbag on sale, and I'm kind of giddy!" Vold(ie)ermort said as Harry shook his head in sorrow, Ginny pondered the best way to kill herself, Ron started singing a song from "The Little Shop of Horrors", Ron has never actually seen this movie, because the author hasn't either, but trust me it was one of the good ones. Hermione just kept muttering to herself and saying things like "Maybe if my boobs were bigger he'd like me better than Voldermort! Why did I let my mom talk me out of that boob job? WHY?"

"Anyways, I've got a real treat for you bitches today, I'm doing a two for one offer on bad fanfiction! First up is quite possibly the worst story ever! A crossover between Harry Potter and something called Pokemon, whatever the hell that is." Voldermort mumbled as the dreaded I-Mac came to life once more.

"I think I'd like to read...yes, maybe it will keep my mind off other things like my lack of mammary glands, and sleek hair." Hermione said shakily as she wiped a single tear out of her eye.

"Pokleomon n Herri Potter Likez Meets"

By: EeveeKitty85"

"Are you effing me? Did they actually just say that?...What does that even mean?" Ginny said shocked out of her mind by the horrible grammar and lack of any writing talent.

"I wish I was effing yo—I mean, yeah you're right it is kind of chilly in here." Harry stammered as Hermione cleared her throat loudly, and continued.

"Harri, Ron and Hermion wer walkin thru d Hogwarts grunds wen sudenly dey saw a pair of new pupils.

"Hello," sed Harri.

"Who r u?" "Hello," sed a boy with black hair and a small yello mouse. "My name is Ash + dis id Pikachu. I wanna b the world's gretest pokemon master!1111""

"Can someone tell me what the flying fuck a pokemon is?" Hermione said completely out of canon, which is to be expected in a bad fan fiction after all. So anyways she completely ignored the fact that not only did they use an addition sign, they actually spelled the word "said" with an e, and decided to continue. Effing amazing.

""I'm Sue-Marie," sed the girl next 2 him. She was v v pretty with v long blond hair + blu eyes + she was tall and thin wiv a v v v gorgus figur. Harri's hartgave a funnie flip + he new he wos fallin in lurv.

Hermion scowld at him becos secrtley she luved harri sinc the momnte dey had met she knew she she she wnated 2 hav his kids. Ron also luvd harri but pretnded 2 b intrested in Hermion becos he was afraid 2 tel harrrie his tru feelins."

"Oh God, I was afraid this might happen. GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEADS PEOPLE, I AM NEVER GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH RONALD WEASLEY. NEVER!" Harry exclaimed at the Mac.

"I should bloody well hope not mate." Ron said coming out of his stupor, and then yet again began singing a beautiful rendition of "All that Jazz"

""U must b harrri pottr i herd aout u" sed Sue-Marie."wow ur even more gud-lookig in

reel life!111"

harri blushd "can u ride a broomstick?"

"no but i want 2 lern can u teach me/"

"of cors cum wiv me"

"where r we nyway/" askd Ash. the pikachu Looked confused as well. dat was when dey got struk by lightnin

Hermion burst into tears oh no!" she sed! "ron, You hav to give him da kiss of Life!111"  
ron lucked vvvvv happy.

THE END!"

Hermione was the first to recover after almost having a near cardiac arrest relapse. "Is "v." even an abbreviation? And what the hell is the kiss of life? And also, did that even have a plot? And seriously, what the hell is a pokemon? Seriously, I need to know." She asked quietly as the others just stared slack-jaw at the horrible piece of machinery in front of them, silence overcoming them.

"How did y'all like that sweeties? I like loved it. It was hot. That reminds me, I'm going to be late for my appointment at the salon for a manicure and a full body wax. You know what they say, "every time an evil wizard gets a full body wax, an angel rips it's wings off!". Anyways, I'm going to leave y'all with one of my personal favorites, another crossover fiction starring Harry, and Paris Hilton. And not only does it star this amazing who–celebrity, its also a songfic! Yes, that's right it also has all of the lyrics to Avril Lavigne's classic "Complicated for absolutely no reason at all! Isn't that bitchin'? Enjoy!" Voldie said as he quickly vacated the

premises.

"Oh Bloody hell, not another "Harry meets a random slut, and has wild sex with her on the frozen tundra while the penguins sit and watch," fic. I don't think I can take the shame." Harry said as he hung his head and prepared for the worst.

"Better to get it over with I guess" Hermione said sadly as she began to read.

"The Simple Life

By: HiltonSisterLurvesPotter101231242342932-84u308430-8

Harrie had like decided 2 take a break from the wizarding world, 4 after defeating Lord Voldermort, winning the Quiddicth final for a team he didn't even play for, and creating a toaster that sings "Mary Had A Little Lamb" every time your pop-tarts are nice and...toasted; things had gotten2 hectic for his tastes. Luckily he had found a really good deal on a fairly nice hotel in America. Some city called...Loz Angelis or something. Newayz it was a Hilton hotel which will be a v. subtle foreshadowing to what is going to happen v. v. soon. So newayz like when Harrie was like walking into the hotel this like totallie hawt babe wearing lyke absolutely nothing was singing in the hallway

Likez why you gotta make things so complicateeed?

Something, something fustrated!

You like try and you like lie, and something something

Like you falls and you crawls and uhh preppy clotheesss

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

Harrie thought she like had like a beaUtiful voice, n she was so v. hawt. Harrie walked up to her and said "Like Hey sexi Mama, wanna make something go on?"

And she was all like "Yeah babesz, I'll show you what a real night in Paris is like:winkwinknudgenudgecoughcoughsneezesneeze:

THE END!"

"Holy Slut! I'll kill her! I WILL TOTALLY KILL HER. Doesn't she know that me and Harri..I mean Harry are meant to be together? Hasn't she read all of those fics that clearly describe the a prophecy that was made at our birth that clearly states that he and I will marry at age seventeen and then proceed to have a baby every single year for the rest of eternity?" Ginny said as she stood up in her chair and started waving her fists madly while pulling at her own hair.

"Someone shoot me, just shoot me now." Harry said as he buried his face in is crotch.


	5. Somewhere in Fiji

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to tweeny-weeny, because she is totally awesome because not only did she write the bad fanfic featured in this chapter, but she even rewrote it for me when I asked her to add something in. So mad props to her. Anyways, this chapter isn't that great and not reall that funny, it's really story driven trying to get our four out of the room of bad fics. Anyways, hope y'all enjoy.

"We are four educated wizards here, there is no reason why we can't devise a plan to get out of here. With proper planning and execution we shouldn't be here for more than a few days." Hermione said smugly.

"Well, there's only one problem with that Hermione. WE HAVE NO PLAN, WE'RE GOING TO BE STUCK IN HERE FOR THE REST OF OUR NATURAL BORN LIVES, AND VOLDERMORT'S GOING TO TRY TO DO SOMETHING NASTY WITH ME." Ron boomed as he grabbed Hermione by the shoulders and shook her.

"Do be more quiet Ron, we don't want Voldermort to know that we're plotting against him, now do we? Now what we need is a diversion. Something big to take Voldermort's mind off of us, and onto something far away so that we can have a good look around this room, and the ceiling to see if there is some kind of escape route." Hermione said

"Well that's all well and good Hermione, but...uhh how can we cause a diversion. Seriously how can we when Harry doesn't even love me like he's supposed to?" Ginny cried with a wail as she burst into tears, flung herself on the ground and started moaning wildly.

"Did I mention that I still really need to pee? If I could just get out of here and use the bathroom." Harry cried sadly.

"THAT'S IT HARRY! IF ONLY WE COULD GET OUT OF HERE!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Well that was the general idea Hermione..duhh." Harry said sarcastically.

"No! I have a plan, but would he fall for it? Where would they go, would he agree to it?"

Hermione started mumbling to herself frantically and pacing back and forth.

"I guess we'll just sit here and wait until she decides to tell us about her plan." Ron said with a smirk, as the three others sat down and watched Hermione slowly make a trench in the hard ground from her frantic pacing.

Six hours later.

"Surprise bitches! I'm like totally back, and totally upset because I just spilled salamander blood all over my new Malono Blahnicks. I'm like so freaking pissed! How will Ron Weasley ever fall in love with me if my shoes are covered in lizard blood? Seriously, how will he?" Voldie questioned wildly as a he began to throw a tantrum upstairs much to the horror of the four wizards below.

This is when inspiration finally hit Hermione, this was her chance.

"Oh, Voldie, you are likez such a good evil wizard, how can Ron not already love you? I mean, you're so powerful! And you have like really good fashion sense!" Hermione said with a high pitched squeak.

"Why thank you Mudblood, that's like so sweet of you." Voldie said, clearly flattered.

"You know what you and Ron need? How about a romantic get-away? Just the two of you? Doesn't that sound just dreamy." Hermione asked neverously.

"What! What are you trying to do Hermione, get me molested?" Ron screamed wildly.

"Well, of course I am Ron, I mean it is so very obvious to me that you and Voldie belong together. Clearly you and me were just never meant to be. Trust me you'll learn to love Voldie, and don't worry the rest of us won't get too lonely while the two of you are gone." Hermione said with a wink in Ron's direction.

"Oh! OOOhh! Yes that does sound quite nice, just you and me Voldie." Ron said finally catching on, but still completely disgusted with the thought of having to spend "romantic" time with Voldermort.

"Like yay! Just me and my lover! Okay Ron, like you and me are like totally out of here let me just pack my suitcase...now where did I put my new thongs, and my leather whip?" Voldermort could be heard asking himself as Ron's eyes grew as wide as saucers.

"Oh God, you better hope this works Hermione, are I will Avada Kedarva you, just so I can bring you back to life, and do it all over again. I swear" Ron said with a harsh whisper.

"Like I'm totally ready honey cakes! Let's like go to Hawaii or somethin'. And don't worry you three, I'll take good care of Ronniekins! And I even have some entertainment planned for our absense! Here is one of my favorite bad fics with my favorite Mary-Sue. Aurora Gabriella  
Goldilocks Sunshine Granger! She is a dear, dear imaginary friend of mine. Well like, byes bitches!" Voldie shouted gleefully, and with a loud pop and a frantic look in his eyes Ron suddenly dissappeared from the room, and silence came from above. Oh and the dread Mac flashed with some more bad fanfiction of course.

"I hope this works Hermione, if not my brother is in for some much unneeded molestation by an evil gaylord." Ginny said with a shudder, as Hermione began to look around the room for clues to an escape.

"Look, let's face it I'm the smartest person here, I mean you two haven't even read Hogwarts: A History, so I'll start the investegations, while you two start reading the fanfiction to keep Voldermort happy." Hermione said with a satisfied smirk on her bushy hair...I mean face. Whatever.

"Uhh...okay Hermione whatever you say." Harry said as him and Ginny sat down at the Mac, and Hermione began inspecting the walls.

"I guess I'll read, since you've got that scar and all Harry." Ginny said as she reached for the mouse, and Harry's hand grabbed her's mid reach, and put her hand in his, and held it that way.

"Uhh...so back to the fanfiction." Ginny said with a large blush, as she began to read.

"Like Hermininy totalllie has like a totallie hawt sister!1 N' Her and Harrie likez totally fallz in love and getz married! And I like totallie just likez gave away the "Plot"!

By: Tweeny-weeny

Harry, and his two best friends were on the train that takes them to  
that skool they like all go to when suddenly the prettiest girl in the  
hole world walked in. Harry was like "Wow" and Ron was like drooling  
over her perfect legs, shoulder length mahogony hair which looked like  
the sun was glinting off it all the time and when she walked in really  
confidently (A/N: shoot me now) she said "My name's Aurora Gabriella  
Goldilocks Sunshine Granger." And Herminy was like "I have a sister!"

"Wow, Herminy your sister is really hot!"

"Yeah!" said Ron,

And Herminy and Aurora hugged and declared they wuld be best friends  
for like forever and then Harry went down on one knee and said "Aurora  
Gabriella Goldilocks Sunshine Granger" (A/N: yup, I have no more idea  
than you how he remembered all her names) "I know I only just met you,  
but I love you more than anything, I know in my heart you are the  
secret to defeating Voldy, will you marry me?"

"Aurora Gabriella Goldilocks Sunshine Granger", what the hell kind of name is that? Hermione questioned raising her head from her work, as Ginny continued to read.

And Aurora smiled a smile that like lit up the compartment and said  
"Harry, I thought you'd like never ask, of course I will my love, my  
hero, my sweetheart, my darling, dearest, bravest (GAG) Harry we  
will love each other for ever and always!"

Ron was really jealous because Harry had such gorgeous and lovely  
girlfriend and because he had no one and because Ron was just like a  
really jealous person who didn't deserve to have such aself-sacrificing, kind, handosome, noble friend as Harry. At least  
that is what Aurora thought. And so he burst into tears and said "I  
hate you Harry Potter, you knew of my eternal never ending love for  
Aurora Gabriella Goldilocks Sunshine Granger and still you asked her  
to marry you!"

Harry was sad and said, because he is like so totally the best friend,  
"I'm sorry Ron. I have been a terrible friend but it's just that I  
love Aurora more than anything, more than life itself, I would die for  
her." And Ron felt like ashamed and said "I'm sorry Harry mate, I know  
I don't love her as much as you do." And so they like made up and  
suddenly Professor Snape appeared and said "Ronald Weasley I know this  
is sudden but will you marry me?" and Ron forgot all about Aurora and  
was so happy he thought he would never be sad again and so he said  
"Yes, Professor Snape. I love you more than anything."

"Sweet Jesus, I'm glad Ron isn't here to read this, he would have a coniption." Harry said truthfully.

Just then Neville walked in and said "guess what Harry I just got  
ordained in the holidays, now I can marry you and that girl who you  
are like kissing so passionetly, yet sweetly and maturely, and I can  
also marry Ron and Professor Snape."

"Ew, a wedding where Snape is present? Totally not dream wedding material." Ginny said as Harry nodded in agreement.

"Wow, like thanks Neville." Said Aurora, and Neville was surprised and  
said "How did you know my name?" And Aurora replied "I can read  
minds." And everyone was really excited and Harry kissed his perfect  
girlfriend and thought she was the sexiest, cleverest, sweetest girl  
ever and so he said "Neville wuld you marry Aurora and me. And Snape  
said will you marry me and Ron and then I will forfeit the Quidditch  
cup so Gryffindor win" And so Neville said "yes." And Harry and Aurora  
got married in a large, golden double wedding with Ron and Professor  
Snape. Draco was best man, because we like all no that he is really  
Harry's best buddy. And Herminy was bridesmaid with Ron's sister and  
that strange blonde girl who hung around last book and when they got  
married Voldymort was so over comeby there pure, perfect, everlasting,  
incredible, awe inspriring love that he exploded and the World was  
saved.

THE END."

"Well that was truly horrible." Hermione suggested, as she went back to work.

Somewhere in Fiji

"No, Voldie I'm not going to have sex with you!...Well maybe if you let me and my friends go?" Ron proposed disgusted.

REMEMBER TO READ AND REVIEW PEOPLE.


	6. Some Grossness

A/N: Yet another chapter! Woohoo! Sorry this one took a while, I had finals and drama, and a new job. And lots of stuff. I also started a new fic "Fly On The Wall" So check that out yo. This chapter is pretty long I think. I think this story is winding down, and should only last for another chapter or two, maybe three. I'm thinking about doing a sequel with minor charachters from the Harry Potter universe, with the main trio showing up every once in a while. Tell me what you think.. Also the bad fic in this chapter is actually based on the worst fic ever written, that I accidently stumbled upon a few days ago. It was dreadful I can't copy and paste so I tried to write something nearly as bad. I also read one about Draco being pregnant with Harry's baby. If you comment (which you better) drop me a line about the worst fic you've written recently, I'll see if I can work it into the story yo. Anyways, shout outs!

TicTacTurtle- Thanks for the reviews from every chapter, you are the bomb yo. The likez, I just think they're funny. They don't mean anything, trust me on this one.

eeveekitty85- I misspell VoldeRmort on purpose to show my extreme disrespect for him. And also, because I just forget.

tweeny-weeny- Your fic from last chapter was truly awesome. Thanks a million for that again. Hope you enjoy the new chapter.

L. Spencer1153-A night in Paris was my idea. I liked that one too, thanks for reviewing bud.

sandiwandi- A new reviewer! I love it. The bad fan fics used are mostly written by me unless otherwise stated. I realize that they're horrible, I dont' actually write like that. Hope you enjoy the new chapter!

Since we last left our "heros" very few things had actually happened. Oh, Ginny and Harry had decided their true and everlasting love for each other. So they basically spent all of their time making out. Hermione was still obsessed with finding a way out. Ron was still doing God only knows what with Voldie. Things were just beginning to get bad. Really bad.

"Is it kind of strange, that I actually miss Voldemort?" Harry asked suddenly while he and Ginny were making out (Who says snogging..seriously? Except for that time I heard Scary Spice say it in Spice World. )

"Food for thought, next time you bring up Voldemort, don't do it while we're making out okay/" Ginny said as she ran her fingers through her hair, to make it look as if she didn't just have sex, not that she did or anything. This fiction is rated PG. THAT MEANS NO SEXUAL SITUATIONS WHATSOEVER. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

"I miss Ronald." Hermione said sadly as she walked around the room still looking for an escape route.

Suddenly, as if by magic that is (You know it was) Dobby popped out of a magical toilet in the middle of the room.

"Sirs and Misses! The Great, Good, Sexy, Generous, Good in Bed, Harry Potter! I have come to tell you of grave danger! Of a prophecy!" Dobby said as he began to bang his head up against Hermione's copy of "Hogwarts: A History", as Hermione burst into tears as she saw her precious book being dented to shreds by Dobby's pointy elf ears.

"A toilet!" Harry exclaimed as he bum (Ha Ha, bum) rushed Dobby, pushed him off of the toilet, and hastily unzipped his pants, and began to scream.

"I can't go if you're all watching me! Turn around!" Harry yelled frantically as the others began to all turn their faces away. Harry proceeded to pee for approximately six hours.

After he was finally done, the silence was finally broken, as Harry turned around and zipped his pants (not in that order), and said. "A prophecy? What are you talking about? It isn't the prophecy that states that I am to become a homosexual by the age of twenty four, and run away with Draco Malfoy is it?" Harry questioned wildy.

"Oh, no sir. Not that one. Although I'm sure that one exists as well. No this prophecy is much, much worse. Trust me."

"Well out with it Elf. What does it say?" Hermione asked rudely forgetting that she is supposed to be an advocate for elfish welfare, all because of her mental anguish due to the loss of her beloved book.

This is right around the time when Dobby ripped off his tea cozy, and began to sing loudly in a tune of his own creation.

"Dark days will pass

You'll be forced to kiss some ass

If you read you better review

Or maybe a plague of a millions fleas infesting your nether regions will happen to you

So sad but true"

As he finished the final few notes sadly, he hopped on his toilet and suddenly disappeared.

"What the hell did that mean?" Ginny asked inquisitively.

"I think it was the author's subtle way of saying IF YOU'RE READING YOU BEST BE REVIEWING. SERIOUSLY HE SITS ALL DAY OVER A HOT KEYBOARD, AND THE VERY LEAST YOU CAN DO IS TO SHOW HIM SOME LOVE! Well, I guess that's what he means anyway, how would I know I'm just a character in a story after all.

"Yeah, well whatever. Hermione have you figured a way to get us out of here? You know Voldemort and Ron could be coming back any second now." Harry asked as he sat down next to

Ginny very much glad his bladder was evacuated thoroughly.

"Yeah, you're right Harry. I just hope my brother is still a virgin by the time he comes back." Ginny said hopefully.

"Well we don't have time for to think about that right now anyway. The author is telling me that the Mac sitting on that table right in the middle of the room has a bad fic waiting for us." Hermione said matter of factly as she turned her bushy teet-fac-mou-hair, yeah that's the one, to the middle of the room.

"I guess I'll read then" Ginny said as she walked over to the computer.

"Why can't I read seriously? I need to know! I am literate you know! I am not stupid!" Harry said as he began to sob wildly.

"Well you've got that scar..." Hermione trailed off as Ginny began to read:

"Some disgusting piece of incest"

By:SlashAndGrossStuff4-Eva

Chapter 1:

This year would likez bes the year for young Ginnie..no Gineeravra. Ginrvra was a name for an adult, which she was now. Over the summer Ginervia had become a woman. SHE HAD REALLY GROWN UP. SHE HAD FILLED OUT IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES. HER BOOBS WERE HUGE! And she was going to finally make all of the boys notice her like hawtnesss. She had her eyez like on onez boys. His name was...Ronald.

"Wait a minute, you have to be effing me. Right? Seriously, my brother? Ew! I can't read this! Harry you take over sweetie!" Ginny said as she began to wretch on the ground.

"Yay!" Harry exclaimed as he realized that he really was illiterate and never learned how to read as a child. How unfortunate.

"Uhh..nevermind. Hermione your turn." Ginny said as she saw the blank look on Harry's scar.

"Oh, fine." Hermione said testily. TESTILY. TESTCLES. TESTILY. THIS IS JUST A TESTILY.

So anyways she began to read again:

She likez couldn't remember whether or not she was related to him or not, maybez she was likez a distant cousin? Who knows? Anywayz, that like doesn't matter. HE WAS HOT. And so was she. HER BOOBS WERE LIKE HUGE. She was likez so going to make himz, hersz.

"Wait, that was an entire chapter? It was like four sentences. Well if you can count those sentences, which to be fair I'm not sure that you can." Hermione trailed off as she continued.

Chapterz 2z:

So like Ginny was like walking to likez the sckool trayne, and she like tripped and fell and Ronald was all like, "Hey you okay?". And I was all like "Yeah I am now that you're here sexy mayn." And he was all like "Ew.. you're my sister, what the bloody hell is wrong with you?". That's when I likez started to take off my shirt. Thingz got hazee around that time.

"Ha ha! I actually like this one! It's hilarious! God Ginny, when did you become such a whore?" Harry asked, as Ginny slapped him across the face.

"ABUSE!" Harry exclaimed as he began to sob again.

Chapter threis

Ronald is likez so hotz. So newayz this mornings at breckfast I went up 2 him onlie dressed in a thong. I was all like "Hey sexy baby, let's like do zometihng.". And he was all like "Ginny, what the hell is wrong with you?" And that's when I spread my legs, and strated licking mah lips. He likez wasn't so impressed. Godz, he's so hots.

"Hey bitch, I'm staking my claim. Ronald is mine okay? Get it!" Hermione said testily as she got all up in Ginny's grill.

"Uhh, Hermione. He's my brother, do you really think I'm likely to fancy him?" Ginny said calmly.

"Yes, I guess you're right." Hermione replied.

Chapter F4s

Well likez, I don't think Ronald is like ever going to likez me. Even tho my boobs is v. v. big. Oh wellz, I guess I'll go do like George or Fred or someone else instead. Tootles!

"Well that was absolutely atrocious." Harry said as he wiped his tears.

"I second that." Ginny said as she began to rip off her shirt.

"GINNY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Hermione yelled.

"Oh, I kind of forgot I wasn't actually in that fic. My bad!" Ginny replied dully.

Suddenly, as if by...oh forget it. A voice came from the ceiling.

"Hey bitches! Me and my lover are back! Say hello Ronniekins!" Voldie shrieked from above.

"Uh, hey y'all. I'm up here with my uh..lover. Who I uhh..love. I completely don't find that disgusting or anything. I swear." Ron said all very quickly, and nervously, and other things that end with "ly".

"Like me and my lover got likez so close over our vacay, I'm going to keepz him up here, and do anything to makez him happy!" Voldie said very coldly, but warmly at the same time, so I guess it was just kind of luke warm. Room temperature if you will.

"You'll do anything to make him happy?" Hermione said as she pointed her bushy hair to above.

"Yes, like anything to makes my baby happy!" Voldie screamed.

"I think it would make Ron very happy to see us all go free!" Ginny said catching on.

"Yeah! That's right! He would, right Ron?" Harry said as he finally caught on as well. He was rather slow, I guess that happens when you have a scar on your forehead, you become really stupid.

"Hrm. That's an idea!" Voldie exclaimed very coldy. And then he------------

made you wait to find out in the next chapter.

Remember to heed Dobby's warning. I wouldn't want fleas in my nether regions, that's for sure.


	7. The Bad Ending

A/N: Well this is it. This is the final concluding chapter of our saga. Yes, that's right. The last chapter of "Bad Fics" I absolutely adored writing this fic, and this is deffinitely not the end of this kind of story, because I loved doing it. Watch out for either a sequel, or lost chapters, an epilogue, or even same setup with different charachters. Or maybe even all of them. Thank you all of my constant reviewers for all of your support. This chapter is dedicated to y'all. As always, if you read. Please review.

_(Create a running check list of all of the things wanted in a last chapter of a story, check)_

Voldie was thinking, which wasn't necessarily always a good thing. Usually when he began to think, silver hands were made, scars were created, and lots and lots of muggles became naked-ied, yeah that's right DEAD. Anyways, he was thinking, and a lot of things were passing through his mind. Ron in a thong was just one of them, one of the more disturbing ones mind you, but only one of them all the same. The foursome had a proposition for him, set them all free and then Ron would be truly happy. Anything that made Ron happy would in turn make himself happy.

Yet, at the same time if he set them free, who would he torture? Who would be forced to read bad fan fiction late into the night? Seriously, who? And that's when it came to him, it wasn't about who he was torturing, but that torturing was being done. See, Voldie had a plan. He could let them go, only to take them back you see? Let them off the hook for a few weeks, and then bring them right back, hopefully next time fully clothed with empty bladders. Though, Voldie wasn't really particular he'd take them naked if that's the way they came, whatever. And that's when it came to him, although the author doesn't usually like to use the word "came" in reference to Voldie, because it makes him think of all of the horrible slash fics he's accidently stumbled upon, but you know whatever. There was a whole world of people he absolutely hated, a whole world of minor characters from the Harry Potter universe on which to unleash his unsual brand of torment. Could you imagine what he could force Snape to read? Harry/Snape slash fics, Hermione and Snape fall in love fics, Snape and Harry father and son fics! The possibilities were aboslutely-effing-endless.

_(Setting story up for a sequel, check)_

Oh, Voldie was evil, it made him shiver from the top of his snakelike head, all the way down to his brand new Victoria Secret underwear, they were quite cute actually with little pink dogs all over them, he wishes you could see them, really.

_(Mentioning Voldie's underwear, check)_

But anyways, it was decided. He was going to let them go. Oh, don't get me wrong, he was going to torture them some more, I mean he is Voldie after all. He's evil, that's just what he does.

So anyways, where were we? Maybe we should do a RECAP.

"You'll do anything to make him happy?" Hermione said as she pointed her bushy hair to above.

"Yes, like anything to makes my baby happy!" Voldie screamed.

"I think it would make Ron very happy to see us all go free!" Ginny said catching on.

"Yeah! That's right! He would, right Ron?" Harry said as he finally caught on as well. He was rather slow, I guess that happens when you have a scar on your forehead, you become really stupid.

"Hrm. That's an idea!" Voldie exclaimed very coldy. And then he------------

_(Pointless recap, check)_

Are we up to speed now? Awesome. So the story continues, right about...now.

Began to sing. Yes, that's right he began to sing. Yes you read right, he was singing. Yes your eyes are not deceiving you; words were coming out of his mouth in a song like manner with musical notes and words. One more time so I can drive this home for you. **YES, IT IS TRUE THAT VOLDEMORT ACTUALLY WAS SINGING**. Now, that we have all of that cleared up, back to the point, not that there really is one or anything but I'm an author so I have to at least pretend I know what I'm talking about. The point really was that he was singing a song and it goes a little something like this:

"Summer Loving had me a blassst" He began with a completely utterly really badly horrible voice, mind you.

As if by magic, all of the characters that grew up in the magical world without exposure to any such musical where Olivia Newton John, and John Travolta starred, still knew all of the words.

"Summer loooving, happened sooo fast." Hermione sang trying to get her bushy hair out of her mouth.

"Something, something sex on the beach!" Harry sang incorrectly, even though he actually was born in a muggle home, and should have known all of the words to a musical including Olivia Newton John, and John Travolta in starring roles.

"Oh Harry Harry, wish that sex was with me...Oops!" Ginny continued. Did I mention that Harry and Ginny were really horny? Oh, no I didn't? Well they _were._.

This is right around the time that Ron began dancing on an imaginary strip pole, and ripping off all of his clothing, forgetting the fact that he was supposed to be in the ceiling with Voldie, and not able to be seen by the rest. Anyways he was singing a pop classic:

"I wanna be bad! Make it look _sooo _good, I've got things on my mind. Never thought I would. I want to be bad! Loosing all my cool! Bout to break all the rules boy! I want to be bad with you!" Ron sang horribly off key, as he stripped himself of his shirt, and Voldie began rapidly throwing large golden galleons at him. Voldie wasn't much of a thrower being gay and all, and ended up hitting Ronald in the head. Ron proceeded to pass out, and pee all over himself. He always was such a drama queen.

_(Musical number, check)_

_(Pointless stripping to a Willa Ford song, check)_

_(Pointless urinary functions, check)_

"You know, I think that's enough singing for one chapter" Said the author, not that anyone even knew who the author was, or where he was coming from. All that they knew is that he was super cool. Which let's be honest, you must all realize too. And if you do realize this as you should, you show him some mad props by praising him by commenting. You should also send your checks and money orders payable to one XxLemurxX as soon as humanly possible. Trust me. And if that's not possible, a human sacrifice will suffice. Either that, or your first born, he's really not that picky.

_(Shameless author plug pleading readers to review, check)_

"So anwayz, I've likez decided to likez sets you all free. Not only would it make my loverz Ronz, like so happy. I've decided that I lovez all of you! Plus they're having a casting call at Hooters! Since that is my dream job, I just have to try out! So after one last bad fan fiction, I will finally let all four of you free." Voldie said sadly, yet very coldly all at once. He was really quite talented.

"Holy Slut I'm happy!" Ginny exclaimed as she threw her arms around Harry, and began screeching loudly.

"Mneauhahea!" Hermione's hair began to scream.

_(Yet another jab at Hermione's hair, check)_

"I agree!" Hermione agreed.

"Does this mean no more sex with Voldemort? God, I hope so." Ron said hopefully.

_(One final mention of Ron having sex with Voldemort, check)_

"So yes, my captives. One more bad fan fiction, and you can all go back to doing whatever the hell you were doing when you we e still waiting for book six to come out. Not that book six is our or anything, because it isn't. DAMN IT" Voldie said shrilly as he began to weep sadly.

_(One final complaint about Book Six and why it's not out already, check)_

"Now, I just can't decide whether or not I want to make you suffer, and wait for it, or just get it over with so I can practice for my audition." Voldie thought out loud, very coldly of course.

"It would make me really happy, not to mention naked if you let us all out as soon as possible." Ron said sexily.

"You mean, you'll get naked, if we read bad fan fiction right now? Oh Baby!" Voldie exclaimed, as he did a bit of something as if by—(you guessed it, probably magic), and the Mac sprung to life, well kind of slowly, I mean it didn't even have windows. Ew.

_(One last "as if by magic", check)_

_(One last jab at Mac, check)_

"I've never gotten to read, I demand it!" Ron exclaimed.

"Uhh, Ronald, you're up there in the ceiling with Voldie, remember? How could you possibly be so stupid? Haven't you ever read "Hogwarts: A History"? Hermione asked wildly.

_(One last mention of Hogwarts: A History, check)_

"Oh, I guess you're right. Nevermind, I guess I'll just have sex with Voldie to pass the time. Oops!" Ron said accidently admitting that he actually was in love with Voldie. The readers all gasp in shock and outrage

This is right around the time that Hermione began to sob uncontrollably, Ginny began sputtering wildly, and Harry passed out, Voldie mostly just started to strip.

"No! This simply cannot be! Ronald can't be gay! He's supposed to be in love with me!" Hermione wailed loudly.

"My brother is gay! I guess this means I must be a man." Ginny said simply, as everyone stopped what they were doing and gave her odd looks.

"Ginny just because your brother is gay, does not mean that you have a penis." Hermione began to explain.

This is right around the time when Ginny began to strip.

"Oh, I guess you're right Hermione, I _don't_ have a penis. What a surprise." Ginny said in shock.

"Did I mention I need to pee again?" Harry said meekly.

"Does anyone even care Harry, no they do not. I mean, how can they care when Ron is in love with Voldie instead of me? HOW CAN THEY CARE?" Hermione yelled, her hair mostly just sat their deciding what it's next victim was to be.

"Okay, ya'll" Ginny began the author completely forgetting that she is British, and does not actually use the word "y'all". Only he does because he's from Louisiana, and that's just what they do. "We just need to pull together and finish this last fic, so we can get the bloody hell out of here." Ginny said as the author remembered some British slang.

"I second that." Harry said dully, as began to pee in the corner no longer caring whether it was gross.

"I guess, I'll read." Ginny said as she sat down and began:

"Ginny Gets A Blog"

By:TooStupidToRealizeThatBlogsDon'tWorkAtHogwartsHasn'tSheEverReadHogwarts:AHistory?

First Entry:

"I thought it might be a good idea to have a place to chronicle my thoughts, seeing as how my life is so interesting (Not). In case you were wondering I'm Ginny Weasley, and I have just started my first ever blog. Maybe this time my journal won't really be evil. Anyways, I plan on chronicling my day to day life here, so I hope it doesn't get too boring."

"Wow, I'm kind of impressed, this doesn't actually look to bad. I mean, the grammar is almost all correct, the spelling is nice, and she seems to be able to actually string two words together coherently. Even if she is completely magical, and would have absolutely no idea what a blog is, nor would it even work in her house. But, whatever." Hermione commented.

Second Entry:

"Did I mention I really like Harry? Because I totally do. I've been trying some very interesting tactics to get him to notice me. Today I ripped my shirt off right in front of him. He didn't seem to care, which is odd because my boobs are really big. Maybe Harry is gay?"

"I am definitely not gay. I repeat, I do not like penises." Harry said in rage.

_(Mention of Harry's possible homosexuality, check)_

"Sure, you don't Harry. Sure you don't." Mocked Voldie from above with an evil cackle.

"I think I'm starting to understand why this fic is bad." Ginny said wisely as Hermione's hair began attacking her.

Third Entry:

"Okay, I found out what was wrong with Harry: he's pregnant. Although that goes against everything Mum ever taught me about anatomy, but whatever. Apparently he was struck by an evil curse/prophecy/potion, and now is with child. I hope that by some weird chance that I'm not actually the father of this child or something equally as subtle in foreshadowing to what will become in the next entry. That would just be horrible."

Fourth Entry:

"Holy Slut! I even wrote all of that subtle foreshadowing in the last entry, and even I didn't see this coming! I am the father of Harry's child! Even though that is theoretically impossible, it doesn't matter because the author doesn't care about facts, or rules to life. So apparently, I have a penis. Yes that's right readers, I am with penis. Dear God."

"Wow, Ginny, it looks like you have a penis afterall! And the author actually sounds like you! "Holy Slut indeed" Ron commented as Ginny began to cough the words "Stupid Whore".

Fifth Entry:

"Oh my God, it seems that there has been a prophecy or something that states that I must end this blog, because the author has run out of things to write in it. Since the plot was pointless, and really there was no story anyways, I guess that's not really that tragic. So tootles!"

"Well, the nicest thing I can say about that is that at least it was grammatically correct." Hermione said truthfully.

"Is it kind of bad, that I'm kind of upset about that being the last one?" Harry asked wistfully.

"Uhh, bloody yes it is." Ron said almost intelligently.

"It's just I'm going to miss you all so much, while I'm waiting for book six to come out. I mean, I have to go back to my Uncle's house, and he bloody hates me, and I'm not even allowed to read bad fiction there. Plus, I won't have Hermione's hair to entertain me, or Ginny to make out with, or for you Ron to strip and sing showtunes. Seriously, what am I going to do with myself?" Harry asked as he began to sob once more, and pee on the wall. So basically he was just leaking everywhere.

"Can we bloody leave now?" Ginny asked angrily.

"I likez guess so. I'm's like going to miss y'all all so much!" Voldie said as he began to cry as well.

"This is just like the final episode of friends except no one here looks like Jennifer Aniston. I guess what we need here is a group hug!" Hermione said she wiped the tears of happiness out of her hair.

They hugged. Well actually Voldie just began dry humping Ron, Hermione began throwing up, and Ginny started making out with Harry to distract herself. That's right around the time where a door opened up out of no where.

"Thank Jesus!" Hermione yelled as she ran up to the door, and with a last "See ya in book six suckers!" disappeared back into the muggle world.

"I guess this is it." Harry said, as he too followed in Hermione's footsteps. "Bye Ginny, hope I get to make out with you in book six!" Harry said as he too disappeared.

This is right around the time that Voldie and Ron began expressing their everlasting-true really true love for each other. The author got a weak stomach when he began thinking of this part of the story, so he chose not to document it. You know weak stomach, plus he was just kind of lazy.

No one who was still there really even cared about Ginny so she just disappeared out of no where. And with one last snog, Ron finally bid his farewell, and he too walked through the door. Voldie just happened to forget to mention that the door only led to another torture chamber. I guess this means sequel!

Oh my god this is the end! No! It ended so soon! I never even got to do all of the horrible things to our foursome like I had planned! I never made them dress up like french whore's and sing "Lady Marmalade!" I never made them make fun of Christina Aguilera! Oh wait, I can do that right now.

2 Days previously

"I really hate that Christina Aguilera" Ginny said boredly. Yes I do realize that boredly is not a word.

"Yeah, she's such a whore." Harry admitted, not even caring how magic born Ginny Weasley knew who Christina Aguilera was.

_(Obligatory mention of Christina Aguilera as a whore, check)_

Present

Okay, well I took care of that one, I guess. But still none of the great things that happen in really great fics actually happened in this fic. No one had sex, no one was pregnant, no one woke up in large vat of Progresso's Chicken Noodle Soup! It contained ab**s**o**lut**ely none of the things that make a good fic. . . good. Oh, sweet Jesus! I just realized, this in itself is a bad fiction! I sought out to write a fiction about bad fan fiction, and then ended up writing bad fiction myself! Holy crap! Everything has back fired! Black is up, white is down, the world doesn't make sense anymore!

Oh well, I'm actually kind of over it already. I'm off to do more important things, like writing a sequel, and picking out the lint between my toes. Which come to think of it probably consumes far too much of my time.

Well anyways, if you don't think for a second that I'm either going to write a sequel, or stage a reunion, or at the very least an epilogue, you are wrong. I have no life, and would like nothing better than to do just that. So write me your reviews and tell me you love it to convince me. Please?


	8. The Even Worse Prologue

It's finally time for the prologue. I'm not going to lie to you..it's really not very good. Very rushed, but whatever. It's just a little prologue in celebration of the actual Harry Potter book coming out in like two days! After I'm done reading that..an actual sequel will follow. Well without further ado..here it is. Also rembember to read and review!

Thank God, it was finally over. Harry was finally back at home, where he belonged. Well you know, he would belong if his aunt and uncle actually loved him–which they do not, in case you were wondering. Nope don't love him at all. In fact they've just started a new fashion line entitled "We Hate Harry Designs", be looking out for "Die, Harry, Die" Trucker hats, t-shirts, pants, boxers, and thongs, at a Wal-mart/Kmart/Adult Video Store near you! But besides being forced to dress like a girl, and walk around the neighborhood, and the other inhumane things that the Dursley's have so far subjected him to, things were good. Oh except for that day when they made him lick the mailman. That was just really nasty honestly. He tasted like moldy ass seeped in milk. Not a good combination, I assure you.

But besides _that_, things were looking good for Harry, as he has finally developed a sex life. I mean, love life. Not sex, never sex. Anyways, after being forced to read the beautiful bad fan fic, about Paris Hilton, Harry realized that the two of them were actually destined to be together. Did I mention that the Dursley's have been slipping Harry a lot of hallucinogenic drugs? Because they have.

But back to my point, yes Harry Potter, and Paris Hilton were supposedly meant to be. I mean, I don't know if you've noticed this before or not, but if you flip their initials around they're the same! Potter Harry, and Paris Hilton; Harry Potter, and Hilton Paris! See? It's perfect. Every relationship should be based on how well your initials fit together. Well that's probably wrong. I'm not perfect after all...I'm just kidding! Of course I'm perfect, but anyways back to the story

So yes, Harry had decided to tell young Ginny to step off, and ran off into the sunset with Miss Hilton, who I hear must be worth a trillion bucks. The word is out whether or not she actually gives a fuck though. I'll get back to you on that one. So anyways, they ran into the sunset...well they didn't so much run as they tripped and fell, and Paris was airlifted to the hospital. It was really very touch and go there for a while, no one knew if she was going to survive the fall. Unfortunately, she did. Harry mostly spends his time on the beach being fed large spoonfuls of vanilla pudding, while he patiently waits for book six, which actually debuts in only four days from the time of this writing. So let's just say, that things are about to get really effing good. So, what happened to the other characters, you ask? I really wasn't going to say, because I mean..who really cares about the other characters anyways? I mean they don't call it _Harry Potter _for nothing, you know. Alas, I am a nice writer, so I'm going to tell you anyways.

Ginny Weasley, innocent red haired little girl, or super vixen nasty slut? You be the judge. Well truth be told, you can't be the judge..because I'm the author of this story, and I get to make all the rules anyways. After the heartbreak that Harry pulled her through after breaking up with her for the ever hot Paris Hilton, Ginny hit rock bottom. No really, she threw herself down a well. Not exactly the wisest thing to do. But after she got out of full body traction, for six months..Ginny was perfectly fine..well almost. Because now that Ginny had failed all of her classes at Hogwarts from being so very absent for so long, Ginny had no choice but to throw away her wand and become a muggle. Ginny now works as a checkout girl at the local Walmart. Well at least she does during the day. When she's not ringing up people she mostly works at a stripper at the local "Big Boobs R Us". As we have said earlier, Ginny had really grown up. Ginny had really filled out in all of the right places. HER BOOBS WERE HUGE. So now she uses her "talents' to her best advantage and makes a thousand dollars in tips a night. If you're in the neighborhood..you should really stop by...just ask for "Nasty Red".

Ronald Weasley went and did the unthinkable..he created a naked dance troupe. Yes that's right. Ronald is now on Broadway starring in "Les Naked" it's really a beautiful story of naked men dancing to Britney Spears music. It's kind of hot. He was so fufilled with his career, that he finally did the truly unthinkable..he married Lord Voldie. They now are truly in love, and live in a beautiful manor in the country side. They haven't yet had children..but are trying. (Ew could you imagine Voldemort giving birth?) They actually happen to live right next door to our next victim.

Hermione Granger suffered huge losses after the bad fan fiction fiasco of 2005. After being crushed to pieces by Ronald Weasley, she packed up and her and her horrendous hair took the world by storm. Well not so much the world..as the library. In that very same lover she came back into contact with the true love of her life...Madame Pince. That's right, Hermione Granger and Madame Pince are now happily married with seventeen children with horrendous hair just like their..fathers? Mothers? It doesn't really matter what it is exactly..let's just say that these follicles could one day ruin the world as we know it by blocking the earth from the rays of the sun and therefore killing all life forms. But you know..whatever.

So there you have it..the "true" story. Well no. Actually I lied. None of this stuff actually happened at all. Don't you remember how I "subtly" set the sequel up? The gang actually walked into another torture chamber as they left the room. Just to be tortured yet again by even worse fan fiction! This was just kind of a nice prologue for the fans...cough as if there are any. And a little special celebration for the sixth book actually coming out! Woohoo! Two days! But anyways..as soon as the sixth book is read by me...the sequel will be posted. Remember..as always...Read and Review!


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